Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I want to buy one of these guys for my kid

I know this is old, but it still cracks me up.

Alabama Man

I Hate Atlanta

I don't know exactly what it is, but I hate Atlanta.

Maybe it is the sprawl, or the ungodly amounts of traffic, or the criss-crossing roads that go nowhere but circle back into each other. Or maybe its the lack of cohesiveness. Nothing looks like it gels here. Its like the regurgitation of things other city's tried, and then decided was not good enough, so they donated it to Atlanta.

They do have a big airport, but that's about it.

Is there anyone out there that feels good about Atlanta?

And where do these people come from? The area I am in is more like a gigantic business park, but yet people are walking down the street, like they live right around the corner. Where are their houses?

And what's up with all the flat-brimmed hats?

I don't get it. I just don't get it.

Monday, May 29, 2006

The Beast has returned!



One of my partners in crime found it while doing battle with the five foot tall killer grass. Many thanks goes to he.

Cutting Grass like a Mofo

There has to be a better way.

Grass at the compound has exceeded five feet in spots. The mower can hardly keep up. The unforeseen carnage happening under the mower's deck, as the blades spin, hacking grass and all the life taking refuge in it, is unimaginable.

Numerous toads, spiders, crickets, grasshoppers, ticks, and the unseen try to escape the whirring sound of impending destruction. To the unaided eye, I am simply cutting grass, but to the environmentalist fag, I am committing mass genocide. It is sickening to most, when viewed in detail, but to me, the grass must be cut, so I cut it, and cut it well.

As I write this, Beck's "Fighting for a lost cause" is playing in the background. Must be a coincidence. I dedicate that song to all the creatures below the blades.

I wonder how many things are killed throughout the day as a human simply goes about their day? All the bugs splattered and flattened just by driving a car down the street is probably quite a large number, but mowing down a ten acre field of several foot high grass has to be a staggering number. If only a bug's screams were audible.

After all that cutting, I now realize I need a lawn sweeper. There is so much cut grass remaining in the yard, it is possible it might smother the living grass below it, not to mention the surviving bugs.

This is the lamest post I think I have ever written.

Next time maybe I will write about the joys of taking a shit.

I bet you can't wait ...

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Terror strikes quiet rural town of Chapel Hill

Thirteen are missing and feared dead, as authorities search for clues, in what could be the largest mass murder in the history of Chapel Hill, TN.

Remains of five bodies were discovered early Saturday morning, as the eight survivors, seemingly unaffected by the carnage, lingered in the shade of nearby trees.

The only indication of something unsettling in the air, was the unusually quiet behavior from the survivors.

"It must have been coyotes", said a local resident who requested anonymity for fear of angering the at large suspects.

The remains that were found indicate that all three communities were affected by the violence. "I saw white feathers, red feathers, and gray feathers. Whatever got 'em, didn't discriminate", said investigator, Bob Whirley.

Of the eight remaining survivors, four are white, and four are red. The two males are both missing, leaving those remaining hard pressed for passing on their genes.

"This is what happens when no one is around to watch out for these poor defenseless creatures", said a spokesperson from PETA.

No charges have been made, as investigators scramble for leads in this terrible act of violence.

"We are not ruling out terrorism", said an anonymous investigator. "In this day and age, even crimes like this in a small town, links to terrorism are not discounted."

Developing ...

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Opted out of Hawaii trip

I was going to go to Maui to attend a friend's wedding, but instead I am going to Vegas to attend his bachelor party.

One reason is Vegas is 1/10th the travel cost of going to Maui. The other reason is, if I went to Hawaii I would have to stay for a week or more only because, hey, it's Hawaii. On the other hand, you can get your fill of fun at Vegas in just a weekend.

So, essentially, time is money and the new business venture is taking a lot of my time right now. A lot. Fuck, I really need to digest a thesarus, quite literally. A lot. Hmm... oh, here's one ... oodles .. ok, let me re-write that last thought:

So, essentially, time is money and the new business venture is taking oodles of my time right now. Oodles.

A wise person once told me that those who use little words, allow those who know big words to auto-populate the small words with their own big words on the fly.

Jesus, does that really make any sense? After reading it, maybe it doesn't, but what do I know? I am just a man of little words. Or maybe my piss poor memory has caused me to mince the throught provoking statement. Wise person, if you are out there, feel free to set this straight.

How true some of these are ...


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomitting long after you think you're finished.

Updates

Haven't heard much from the chickens. I guess I will find out Friday night when I arrive back in Nashville whether kindness was delivered. If not, I'll be down at the Triune flea market selling some good eatin' chicken. Fresh right out of the yard!

The iPod is still sticky but fully functional. It is beginning to get a velvety feel to it from all the lint build up.

I have not been able to pull away from the office to find a disc golf course around here in Atlanta. I was hoping I could. Maybe next week prior to moving the office to Cool Springs, which by the way, we have secured a lease on Cool Springs Blvd. Exciting.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The chickens may die

Since I am in Atlanta all this week, my concern is for the chickens. I have dropped hints to various friends that the chickens at my house may need a little visitation from time to time. Chickens need to eat and drink too. Luckily the eating part should be taken care of by nature. They are out of their coop, so there should be enough bugs and seed, and what ever else chickens eat, in the yard to keep them happy. The part concerning me is the water situation. I am a little relieved that weather conditions seem to indicate rain, so the chickens will have to rough it.

This could be an opportune time to let natural selection takes it course. A thinning of the herd, or perhaps, in this case, a thinning of the flock.

Stay tuned for more to come.

On an aside, since being in a hotel and having cable now, I have not been able to peel myself away from Adult Swim at night. It is ridiculous. I find it hilarious. I am so glad I don't have television in my house, otherwise I would never leave home, or at very least the couch.

Friday, May 19, 2006

My iPod is Sticky

I never thought I'd say it, but my iPod is sticky.

Blame the apple juice. Well, you can't really blame the apple juice. Blame the idiot who balanced the apple juice precariously on the console in the car while maneuvering city streets.

That idiot would be ... me.

I realized the iPod received the brunt of the spill, but it wasn't until lunch time when I picked the iPod up off the floorboard that I realized it was sticky. It peeled away from the carpet with the stickiness of a caramel apple.

Now comes the task of figuring out how to unstickify the iPod.

Suggestions are welcome.

Or perhaps, I just make everything sticky and learn to live with the joys of stickiness.

One more thing... Why is being sticky a bad thing?

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Holy Shit

I cannot hold my liquor.

Last night I drank way too much. Beer, white wine, red wine, all mixed together. Throw in a large variety of sushi, and what do you get?

You get me, severely hung over all day today.

The funny part of this is, I felt fine last night. I didn't feel at all like I drank too much. I guess it was the quality of wine. There was white pinot to start, and then after, a couple of bottles of red pinot.

I was wined and dined to the extreme. Next time I will make sure I don't empty my wine glass. That way the waiter will stop filling it. The thing is though, the wine was amazing. I had never tasted anything so good. Normally I hate wine, but that just demonstrates that all the wine I have had to date has been shit wine. And no, when I say shit, I don't mean Boones or Cisco. I mean stuff like typical house wines.

Blah. I still feel like crap, and here it is almost 24 hours later.

The other part of this is, I had no idea what I was eating last night. I know there was sushi, but what it was exactly, I am not sure. There was eel, squid, octopus, tuna, etc., but I couldn't tell what was what. It made for interesting flavors in my mouth. Not sure how much of that contributed to my hang over this morning, but I do know that had I been sober, I may not have eaten what I had. From what I remember, it was all very tastey.

I am going to try to get some sleep now. I didn't get out of bed until 6:30pm this evening, and it is 9:30pm now. And already I am tired. I am such a rookie.

Until next time ...

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Chicken Soup

Chickens are ravenous. Period.

They eat anything that can be considered food. Even other chickens. They have no remorse.

Not that any of my chickens have eaten each other, but if I did grab a random chicken, kill it, and then throw it back into the coop, the other chickens would happily peck it away until there was nothing left but feathers.

The roosters are close to reaching maturity as well. And roosters are known for aggressive behavior. They always say, a rooster will go for the eyes if given the chance to pluck them out. Well, I tell you, what I witnessed was far more severe.

I saw a rooster pluck the head of a deer clean off.

I heard it in the woods. A rustling sound. Then a grandious "BA-COCK!!" And that's when I saw the mighty pluck. The lightning quick cock of the rooster's head blurred as it struck the innocent and unsuspecting deer's neck.

Then all I heard was the thud of the deer's head hitting the ground.

The rooster stood triumphant over the deer's convulsing carcass. The deer's head still had a look of innocense in it's eyes.

The rooster must have felt my presense. It turned to face me, scratched the ground, and let out a low rumbling "B-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-k!!" (I know it looks like book, but pronounce it like a long drawn out 'bok'). My knees shook. I turned to run, but the rooster had already gotten behind me. It looked at me like it had looked at the deer. I placed my hand on my neck. I could feel my pulse beating rapidly in my neck. The rooster sensed my fear.

Then with a flash and a mighty "Bak-cock!" the rooster lundged at me with such force, the trees fluttered in the wake.

In one instance, my foot met the rooster's head. As the rooster's body hit the ground, I could faintly see it's head tumbling end over end in an arc over the house.

I connected clean. The combination of the rooster's forceful thrust towards me and the velocity of my foot, combined to send the rooster's head clear over the house some 300 feet away.

I realized I kicked the rooster's head much farther than I had thrown any golf disc.

I stood in shock. If not for my lightning fast reflexes, I would have been in the same predicament as the deer.

Not today. Not this guy. The rooster didn't know who he was dealing with.

Ever since then, roosters cower in my presense. Because they know what I am thinking in my mind.

"Bring it on, you rooster fuck"

Paying off Revisited

No!!!!!!!!!!!!

The disc that brought me so much distance has gone missing. The Beast is gone!! I have no idea where it went, but my game suffered yesterday as a result. The confidence gained from having that disc in my hands faded as I couldn't reach a basket in one throw like I had been able to with the Beast in hand.

So keep an eye open. I think I lost it at Crockett Park in Brentwood, so if anyone finds a slightly used white disc with a skull on it, that's the one that brought me so much pleasure.

And if you do find it, don't carress it too much. Its powers are addictive, and you might find yourself on the course throwing it like you never have never thrown a disc before.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Found a dead body today in the woods

Yep, that's right. A dead body. All decomposed and everything.

As I looked at it, I realized something.

It wasn't a dead body at all. It was just a rusty screw driver.

Man, I tell you, I need to stop drinking so much Gatorade. All those electrolytes are really starting to play tricks on my eyes.

Hmm...

Yeah..

Who knows.

Rainy Days and Lemon Scented Popsicles

Who knows where the title of this post originated. First thing to pop into my head. Sounded poetic and a little bit angst-like. Maybe it will lure folks this way.

Nothing new on the front to speak of, just wasting time and posting garbage.

Oh yeah ... Wrote an email to an old friend. He replied promptly and said he was getting married. In the same sentence, I was then invited to the wedding. I thought, "Cool, go to my old friend's wedding.".

It's in Maui. That's in Hawaii, for those of you who are geographically ignorant.

Wow, I thought. Hawaii. Never been. Didn't really have any desire to go, but what the hell, now I have an excuse.

So it looks like I am going to Hawaii in six weeks.

Later that day, I get an email from the bride to be. She tells me she heard I was doing well, and she was looking forward to seeing me at the wedding. No biggie. Then she informs me that there is a surprise bachelor party that I need to attend in two weeks. This time in Las Vegas. Again, for those who need help, that's in Nevada .. I think.

So now, I am stuck. I have to go to at least one of these events. Either one could be a tremendous blast of excitement. Something I could use to spice it up around here. It's either that, or I stay home with the chickens and watch the trees grow.

Man, never thought one email could have generated so much potential.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Paying off


I am surprised I haven't mentioned this yet.

For the past few months, I have been engrossed in a hobby that I have grown to enjoy and love.

Disc Golf

I live about four miles from Henry Horton park and there is an 18 hole disc golf course there. Play is free.

I started out borrowing friend's discs and playing quite badly. Then I bought my first two discs. A driver and a putter. I stilled played badly. Then a couple more discs, and then a few more.

Then I had to buy a bag to carry all the discs I had accumilated. I peaked at 10 discs. Seven drivers and three putters.

Yesterday I lost the very first driver I bought into the woods. Afterwards, something happened.

I found my stroke.

After playing 18 holes, my friend and I decided to practice on hole one and then back to hole 18 (they are right next to each other and for practice, this is what we usually do, 1 to 18 and back to 1, and so on).

On my first practice throw on hole one, I grabbed my Beast. The Beast is a disc I bought on EBay. I had heard good things about the Beast, and I liked the design. It was simple. The Beast is the one pictured in this post.

When I threw the Beast, I let myself relax, and allowed my body to become fluid in motion. I released the disc in an elegant snapping motion. What I saw afterwards was something I had previously been unable to do.

The Beast flew straight and far, going slightly left of the basket to start, but then it faded back right and landed about four feet from the basket.

I realized quickly that I had just thrown something over 280 feet.

My friend and I (after a couple high fives), advanced to the 18th hole and continued practice.

I threw the Beast again. The 18th hole's basket is located just behind a group of thick trees and bushes. The fairway curves a little left, but the basket is tucked to the right behind the bushes and trees. Also, along the left side of the fairway is more trees, so usually you want to throw a disc that goes out to the right, and then breaks left at the end. A lot of people throw it way right and when it breaks left, it comes to rest on the back side of the bushes that obscures the basket, which leads to an excellent second throw.

When I threw the Beast, I threw it down the left side, through the trees. It was like threading a needle. It again flew straight and long. And at the end, it broke and faded back to the right slightly. It landed right under the basket. I was blown away. Normally, it would take me two good throws to reach the basket. This time I reached it in one throw. This hole is about 280 feet as well.

So, in retrospect, I don't know what happened yesterday, but somehow my body did something different at the end of the day on the course. Suddenly I was able to unleash wicked long throws that I never even came close to reaching before.

The only thing left to do is to go back today (if it isn't raining) and try again to see if it was just a fluke. If not, then I can officially say I have reached the next level in disc golf.

Maybe the disc I lost yesterday was holding me back. Maybe it was cursing me. Who knows. But now its gone and I am throwing like I have never thrown before.

In the future, one day I will wake up and say, "Fuck disc golf", and then that will be it. I will move on to something else.

Awakened yet again

Throughout this journey called life, routines are established and attachments are made. How many people do you know who never watch television? How many people do you know who live without electricity and running water? Probably not many in this day and age.

Well folks, a metamorphasis has occurred in my life; an awakening of sorts.

Yesterday I showered in the rain.

It was cold rain with bits of hail in it, interestingly enough.

It invigorated me to no end.

As I stood there dripping wet from this sudden burst of energy from the sky, I gazed upon the sun shining through the clouds. Beams of yellow light shone down in shafts of radiance. It was spectacular.

I stood silent.

From my mouth, two words left my lips.

"Thank you"

Prior to this moment, I had prepared to take a shower with a cup and a jug of spring water from the grocery store. It was then when the rain exploded out of the sky, bringing with it just a slight peppering of hail. It was just long enough to get wet, lather up and rinse off, and then the rain stopped. That's when the shaft of golden sunlight beamed through the clouds.

I felt cleaner than I had ever felt before. The rain was clean and pure. I accepted it as a gift and thanked the earth for allowing me to bathe in it's elements.

I recommend this to everyone. Break the grips of routine and materialism. When you do, the earth will take care of you.

Everybody Freak Out!


I love the guy with the gum (I think its gum) in his mouth.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Mmm .. Mmm .. Good .. Blah!

I have a love hate relationship with this place.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Mechanical Goo

Advances in fluid dynamics has given way to a new product called Mechanical Goo. It works like a mechanical object, yet feels gooey to the touch. Like a gear in an engine, the mechanical goo will form a gear-like shape and have the tensile strength of a metal gear, yet it would behave like Silly Putty when it is not in use. Pretty amazing stuff. Its somewhat like Grey Goo, but without the threat of global human extinction.

I hope that is his stomach


This guy weighed in at a half ton ... the picture is a little confusing though. I am not sure what is what ...

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Somethin' Ain't Right

When one deals with lies and deceit on a daily basis like I do, the people who lie the most, typically are the most entertaining. I listen intently and nod in agreement to the stories they tell, when all the while I am thinking to myself, "What a crock of shit!". I love how people actually think I believe anything they say. Its reverse psychology of sorts.

The best part is when you nonchalantly call them on a lie without indicating the fact that you indeed know they are lying. The ensuing cover-up tactics are even more humorous as you watch the lier try to fumble through the lies and validate them in front of you. Its as if they are trying to convince themselves, and then they look at you and go, "right?", as if actually asking, "do I need to blow any more smoke up your ass, or was that enough?"

I used to lie as a child quite a bit. It was fun to live in the fantasy world created by the numerous lies. But now, being a grown folk, lies chip away at integrity to such a great extent that one no longer looks at a lier and views them with any value.

From that point on, it is all for entertainment purposes only.

That's when live goes from serious to theater.

The Adventures of Bob the Fly and Maggoty Mouse

For those of you familiar with the trials and tribulations of Bob the Fly, you'll be happy to know he has a new partner in crime.

Maggoty Mouse arrived fresh (literally) on the scene last week.

At the time of his arrival, Maggoty Mouse went by only one name ... Mouse. But after several days of not moving (or breathing for that matter), Mouse was secretly and mysteriously transformed into his alter ego, Maggoty Mouse.

With his mass nearly doubled, and his muscles pulsating and flexing under his skin, Maggoty Mouse is down for whatever man ....

[THIS JUST IN] It seems Maggoty Mouse's muscles are not flexing and pulsating after all. It seems that he is internally bloated with an infestation of maggots. That flexing he seemed to be doing in show of brute strength, was just hungry maggots moving and shifting around under his flesh.

But wait! There seems to be a curious correlation here ....

Bob is a fly ... and, um ... maggots are fly babies ...

It can't be !!!

Bob, you sick fuck !!

Through some sick twist of events, Bob has somehow infused his offspring into Maggoty Mouse.

Does that technically make them related now?

Does that mean that one day soon, Maggoty Mouse will be no more after he bursts forth with Bob's seed of the future?

Will Bob ever be looked at the same?

More to come ...

Monday, May 01, 2006

Search for "Moosekian" lately?

I am always curious about my site's ranking among Google search results. So today I searched for 'Moosekian'. Guess what? This site was ranked 3rd in the list! Not sure how long that will last, but shit man, I am going to start posting like mad while the popularity is good.

Usually, this site is buried in the rankings by the sites of the 'famous Moosekians'. Duke and Vahan Moosekian have made quite a name for themselves. A little bit too much if you ask me. I want all the fame and glory!!! Me, damn it!!!, ME!!!!

Thanks to those folks to link to this site. They are surely the only reason for my high ranking. Not really sure who is linking to me, but hell, keep it up!!