Let's pretend
When I was only 7 years old, I was struck by lightning. It was determined by the doctors afterward, that it was a direct strike to my head. Hence the fact I have white hair on top of my head and brown hair on the sides. What the doctors didn't anticipate (other than my miraculous survival), was what occured a few weeks later.
One morning, after the lightning incident, I woke up and my head was stuck to my pillow. I had a waxy brown substance on my hands, and the consistency was immediately familiar to me.
It was ear wax.
Somehow my ears were producing enormous amounts of the stuff; at least a liter a night.
My mother was shocked (and a little disgusted) when she came in my room to see what was going on, after I called to her that morning. She helped pry me from my ear wax mound, and promptly put me into the bath tub. And let me tell you, ear wax in large quantities is extremely hard to wash off. I discovered I could no longer hear out of my left ear. This was the one that was producing so much wax. My mom called the doctor and after explaining it to his nurse over the phone (which took a while, because of the initial disbelief), they agreed to see me right away.
Several examinations and tests later, it was determined that the lightning had somehow caused the glands in my ears to never turn off and to be overly excited. It seemed to be worse at night.
Eventually, techniques were used to keep me from waking up in a pool of ear wax. It eventually led to using a pillow that looks somewhat like a bed pan, except it had a soft cushiony rim to put my head on. I learned to not roll over in my sleep, so that when I awoke, the "ear wax collector" would be full, and I would be free to go about my day. I alway have to have some cotton swabs nearby during the day to keep my ears cleans and to prevent from grossing people out when a large glob falls out onto my shoulder. It took a lot of pratice, but eventually no one knew I was an ear wax factory, unless they slept with me (and I have grossed out a lot of girlfriends over the years).
Over time, it became harder to dispose of the large quantities of ear wax I would produce in a week. From a pure dry weight perspective, I would say I averaged about 15 pounds a week. That was when I was young. As I got older that figure has almost tripled.
I began getting creative with the stuff. I made everything from sculptures to gag gifts. People tended to like the scuptures more than the gag gifts. I later discovered that ear wax has amazing insualtion properties. My entire house is insulated with it now. I have determined that it provides 20-30 times more insulation than the best commercial insualtion on the market.
And hence, this is why I am writing this post today. I am coming out to say I am going to start my own ear wax insulation company. Of course I am not going to call it ear wax, because I don't want to gross people out. I will have to come up with a fancy name for the stuff, and when people start noticing substantial savings with the heating and cooling bills, I will strike it rich!
In the meantime, I need to come up with a marketing scheme and try to get some VCs interested in my idea. Hell, I have tons of the stuff that I have produced over the years in the garage and the shed I had to build, just waiting to be sold and turned into profit.
Anyone interested in a sculpture? I can do an amazing redention of your beloved family pet, or perhaps a child. Anyone?
One morning, after the lightning incident, I woke up and my head was stuck to my pillow. I had a waxy brown substance on my hands, and the consistency was immediately familiar to me.
It was ear wax.
Somehow my ears were producing enormous amounts of the stuff; at least a liter a night.
My mother was shocked (and a little disgusted) when she came in my room to see what was going on, after I called to her that morning. She helped pry me from my ear wax mound, and promptly put me into the bath tub. And let me tell you, ear wax in large quantities is extremely hard to wash off. I discovered I could no longer hear out of my left ear. This was the one that was producing so much wax. My mom called the doctor and after explaining it to his nurse over the phone (which took a while, because of the initial disbelief), they agreed to see me right away.
Several examinations and tests later, it was determined that the lightning had somehow caused the glands in my ears to never turn off and to be overly excited. It seemed to be worse at night.
Eventually, techniques were used to keep me from waking up in a pool of ear wax. It eventually led to using a pillow that looks somewhat like a bed pan, except it had a soft cushiony rim to put my head on. I learned to not roll over in my sleep, so that when I awoke, the "ear wax collector" would be full, and I would be free to go about my day. I alway have to have some cotton swabs nearby during the day to keep my ears cleans and to prevent from grossing people out when a large glob falls out onto my shoulder. It took a lot of pratice, but eventually no one knew I was an ear wax factory, unless they slept with me (and I have grossed out a lot of girlfriends over the years).
Over time, it became harder to dispose of the large quantities of ear wax I would produce in a week. From a pure dry weight perspective, I would say I averaged about 15 pounds a week. That was when I was young. As I got older that figure has almost tripled.
I began getting creative with the stuff. I made everything from sculptures to gag gifts. People tended to like the scuptures more than the gag gifts. I later discovered that ear wax has amazing insualtion properties. My entire house is insulated with it now. I have determined that it provides 20-30 times more insulation than the best commercial insualtion on the market.
And hence, this is why I am writing this post today. I am coming out to say I am going to start my own ear wax insulation company. Of course I am not going to call it ear wax, because I don't want to gross people out. I will have to come up with a fancy name for the stuff, and when people start noticing substantial savings with the heating and cooling bills, I will strike it rich!
In the meantime, I need to come up with a marketing scheme and try to get some VCs interested in my idea. Hell, I have tons of the stuff that I have produced over the years in the garage and the shed I had to build, just waiting to be sold and turned into profit.
Anyone interested in a sculpture? I can do an amazing redention of your beloved family pet, or perhaps a child. Anyone?
posted by Jonathan at
6:54:00 AM
3 Comments:
This was really good and funny. I don't know how you come up with these ideas, but your good. You could be a good fiction writer....love, your Mom
Once, there was this boy who got into an accident and couldn't come to school.
But when he finally came back, his hair had turned from black into bright white.
He said that it was from when the cars had smashed him soooooo haaaarrrrd.
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm, Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
Pygmalion!
call it the Pygmalion Co. and the product Paphos.
It would be so beautiful that even people without houses would want to buy it
http://www.loggia.com/myth/galatea.html
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